Monday, March 15, 2010

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains, episode 5 (or: They should have just eaten the chocolate)

And now, another installment of our very poorly punctuated, very poorly capitalized live-chat commentary of Survivor. (Note: Both Shanna and I are literate and not terrible writers when not chatting about Survivor.)

Shanna: survivor?
me: sure!
me: previously.... oh, why bother? Jeff is going to make it all up anyway
Shanna: hehehe

me: actually, this part is right. the heroes did scramble for the idol, and the villains did not.
Shanna: yeah, everyone agreed except for russell
and then cirie went home
me: yeah
and Tom's distrust led him to burn his use of the idol
Shanna: yeah, but it was for a good cause. better to use it unnecessarily than to not use it and go home
no one cares how pissed off you are Rupert [back at Heroes camp, regarding JT flipping on their plan]
me: OH, JT. You did it for you, mostly. Nice to have justification, though. [He explains to the tribe that he flipped his vote to Cirie for the good of the tribe]
Yeha. totally. [Tom playing the idol] It was smart because they were gunning for Tom. I don't think they are done, either.
Shanna: yeah. i mean, you can't be all incredulous when you just totally lied to people last night
me: OH, amanda. You seem to know what is up with JT, but I don't necessarily believe you will be a formidable foe for him.
Shanna: hmm, my sentence was sort of directed at JT there
Shanna: it seemed like it was directed at our conversation with the "yeah" and all
but not really
me: no, I got that. :)
Shanna: overexplaining! :)
me: better to overexplain than under!
Shanna: yes!

[back at Camp Villain]
now everyone is in on DRAGONSLAYER CHI
me: Dragonslayer CHI!!!!
I love it.
Shanna: hehehe
me: How hard do they have to work to not crack up?
that is discipline, I tell ya
Shanna: srsly
apparently they made the idol russell proof this time
me: heh
Shanna: unlike last season when he found them all immediately
me: he is not fucking subtle right there, though [his whole tribe is indulging in Dragonslayer Chi, and right down the beach he’s there digging for the idol]
oh, damn. he still found it? boo.
Shanna: yeah, i guess he was bound too
me: WHY DO PEOPLE THINK THOSE THINGS ARE MAGIC?? [Again, Russell’s all “I’m so powerful now I have the idol!!!!”]

[Reward Challenge]
they are all thinking "Oh, Thank GOD they voted out Cirie this early"
Shanna: heh, yeah
me: ooh, chocolately reward!!
Shanna: yeah, focus on the ladies, but we all know women love chocolate
me: yeah. blerg.
Shanna: damn
me: Colby is being a dick [He is sternly refusing Jeff’s chocolate samples]
Shanna: what is up with colby
me: they are afraid of being distracted by the chocolate? did NONE of the heroes take any?
Shanna: oooh, death glare from rupert
sorry, not scary
me: all of Rupert's faces are death glares
[the challenge starts, it is a physical rugby-basketball type game]
who knocked down James? I wasn't watching
Shanna: james is taken down!
i don't know
it happened fast, i was even watching
me: I just thought he fell down
did they sit out Courtney again? don't they always sit her out?
Shanna: man, that sucks that they are just short [James is badly enough injured to be taken out of the game, resulting in Heroes being down a team member]
me: even though James is hugely physical, stuff like this seems to happen a lot and he's not a factor
ouch [Coach got flattened by JT]
OUCH [then Jerri gets her face slammed into a post by Rupert, and Jeff calls the game to a halt!]
Shanna: man!
me: I believe he did not mean to do that. [Rupert says he didn’t mean it, and I am inclined to believe he is not “that guy”, so even though it was rough, I don’t think he meant it like that]
Shanna: yeah
me: but oh shit. Poor Jerri's face. [but she’s okay and the game resumes]
and she still scored teh winning shot
Shanna: man. it is hard to root for the heroes. they are just not great.
me: right
I don't believe JT would be heartbroken about losing James because he's such an asset. I think it is what he said before... it messes with his game. [the Heroes are agonizing over the potential loss of James as they are back at camp and he is away being evaluated by medical]
Shanna: yeah, agreed.
me: he's broken. unless they force him out I bet he won't leave.

[at the Chocolate and fancy swimming hole reward]
Shanna: jerri's face seems ok so far
me: ha. all that denial of chocolate discipline did the heroes no good. now they have had NO chocolate at all!
yeah. maybe it [Jerri’s face smash] wasn't that bad
man, at least the villains are all onto Russell [all but he and Parvati are swimming, and they all believe he has the idol, since he was the only one to look for it and, again, was not subtle]
Shanna: totally
me: ha. of course he's going to tell magical Parvati [Russell tells her he has the idol]
I hope she uses his trust against him
Shanna: yeah
me: a Parvati/Russell/Coach alliance is kindof intriguing
Shanna: man, he is doing the same thing he did before, telling everyone [then he tells Coach, too]
well, i guess just those two
me: so far...
Shanna: but still, he can't keep his mouth shut
me: is Coach smart enough and willing to use this to his advantage? it does not sound like it
Shanna: note coach says "ALMOST impossible" [to betray the trust Russell has placed in him by telling him about the idol]
yeah, i don't think he is that savvy
me: he will believe he was honest and noble even if he does betray Russell
Shanna: yeah
due to dragonslayer magic
me: OMG this is hysterical. COach is HONORED and it plays into Russell's king delusion [Coach actually kneels before him and talks about how it is like he’s been knighted by Russell… sigh]
Shanna: hahaha

[back at Camp “Heroes”, which I decided just now to put quotes around because they suck so much]
me: oh, hey, the Heroes still exist...
Shanna: they are all so ridiculous
me: they are sad they lost.
OMG stop crying Amanda. [more agonizing about potentially losing James from the game]
Shanna: yeah, i didn't realize they were so close
me: he is not dying. this is not life or death. OMG WHAT WILL YOU DO???
oh nevermind there he is everythings ok then
Shanna: hero-y music
me: I love how they tried to make it a big, dramatic reveal [as he limps slowly up the beach, to the triumphant music, and everyone rushes over to meet him]
Shanna: ugh
me: it makes me hate them more, really.
Shanna: whatever
he also doesn't look OK
me: yeah, he's going to be a super big help around camp and in challenges now [in case it wasn’t obvious, this is sarcasm]
Shanna: it doesn't look like he can run or jump or swim or anything
me: which is what they say they need and why they keep people
[Candice refers to injured James as “dead weight”]
yes. DEAD WEIGHT. exactly. that is kind of the argument they ostensibly make about getting rid of people. they can get rid of whoever they want, but I want them to at least admit they are playing the fucking game sometimes when they do. which I think a lot of them were saying last week about Cirie, but of course the show tries to make it more about camp helping and physical challenge strength
Shanna: yeah, cirie being voted out was all about game playing. she is a threat later on and she is amazing at secretly running things. it doesn't matter if a person like that is the best camp helper or a great asset in physical challenges
me: not that I don’t agree that she isn't the strongest, either, but that isn't the primary reason.
Shanna: yeah

[Immunity Challenge]
me: challenge! on a big course that I doubt James can run through
Shanna: totally
james will obvi be the caller [each team has a caller that directs blindfolded teammates through the course to big, block puzzle pieces, and then they all, unblindfolded, assemble the puzzle]
me: I forgot about Sandra being there. still early in the season I guess and a lot of people getting more attention
hmm... James as the caller by default is interesting. [not his “strength”, so to speak…]
ah ha. Courtney actually IN a challenge. heh.
I love blindfolded challenges
Shanna: i think they must sit courtney out every other challenge
that's why it seems like it is all the time
me: srsly
Shanna: blindfolded challenges are so funny
me: James is scolding them when they are wrong. it is funny.
this whole thing is funny [and not easily describable. Suffice it to say, people bonk into things and look goofy waving their arms around trying to feel for stuff.]
Shanna: jerri is much better at calling
you can hear her voice
james’ is too deep
i mean, his voice is
me: It is hard not to look ridiculous feeling around for pieces, with a partner, and not running in to others and pieces and obstacles
yeah. although at least they don't sound alike [the voices]
Shanna: yeah
me: James sounds like he is hurting himself
Shanna: he sounds super hoarse
me: like he is doing drill sergeant voice
hmm... let's see the heroes screw this one up [they have the lead getting into the puzzle solving]
Shanna: yeah, as they probably will
oh heroes
you suck at puzzles [and…they lose again]
me: I like Sandra's pigtails. they are ridiculous and adorable
yes, kick the puzzle, Rupert. make it cry.

[back at Loser, I mean “Heroes” camp]
What??? James injured is better than Tom? okay.
Shanna: yeah, whatever
me: I thought it was Steph's fault before. Now it is Tom. [James immediately says it was Tom’s fault that they did not win because he was not good at listening to everyone while they were solving the puzzle or something]
Shanna: i guess he has to say SOMETHING to try to convince others
me: Not that either of them [Steph a few episodes ago, and now Tom] were stellar, really, but I didn't see it being their faults, either.
Shanna: basically it is everyone's fault BUT james'
Shanna: yep
me: or Rupert's DARN BROKEN TOE!
the toe of woe
Shanna: heh
me: which he is no longer allowed to complain about I think now that James is practically paralyzed OMG!!!!
me: Dear Heroes: You suck at puzzles. In Survivor, you have to be able to DO the puzzles, not just get the pieces with your brute strength.
[Making the case to keep James]
Shanna: what!
they all believe this too!
me: ugh. of course.
Shanna: UGH
they are a lost cause
who even cares
me: totally
Shanna: just make ridiculous decisions and keep losing
so you'll be gone sooner
me: I mean, for the long-game? yeah, might be wise to get rid of Tom. he's a previous winner, so that is against him, but he is likeable and not useless, so he could win again.
Shanna: yeah
me: but their logic about staying strong to win now ... well, that hasn't been working out anyway, soo.....
Shanna: yeah
i think no matter what their strategy is, it will be dumb and not work
me: I like how JT just told Candice that the two of them are in control. As if Candice is in control of anything. But he knows what to say to people.
I agree. dumb. failure. not heroic.
So, its Colby/Tom/Candice. Everyone else in a majority alliance. JT possibly flipping?
Shanna: JT is the swing again
me: Oh, Colby. JT has won this game before. Have you? What is that? SHUT UP. [I don’t remember what he said but he was criticizing JT’s devious game play]
It probably will come back to bite him. But don't get all indignant about it.
Shanna: dang. they are all so annoying
me: I don't think I like any of the heroes.
I don't dislike JT. I don't dislike Candice but I don't see her long for this game. Tom... I don't dislike either but they'll never let up on him I don't think.
and I kind of hate the rest of them.
Shanna: i agree completely
i don't totally hate amanda all the time
me: Amanda just annoys me.
It is pretense! [Tom calls out James’ justifications for targeting him, and also Candice, because of the challenge, not because of alliance numbers, or what James would refer to as “craziness”] Now suddenly Tom and Candice are at fault for why they lost? No. they were all part of it. Not just those two, who they happen to be targeting. James needs justification.
James doesn't operate on any level besides having a reason related to challenges to vote.
[Jeff points out that James is practically unable to walk and teases that his niece could outrun James right now, and James maintains that even though he has a disabling injury, he’d STILL beat anyone else there at a challenge and so he should not be voted out]
I want to see them run a race RIGHT NOW to prove it.
Shanna: james is SUCH a dick
That was my thought exactly
me: Have them run a race and if Tom beats James, vote James out instead.
Shanna: let's SEE who can run the farthest, fastest. AT ALL
me: they are totally voting out Tom. because this show hates us.
which, like I said, I wouldn't have a problem with it if they weren't being such whiny lying babies about it, with their stupid pretense
OMG look at James' bitchface, too! [Jeff reads the first of two votes against James]
it was collossal
Shanna: ugh
this game sucks [and yet, they vote out Tom]
me: whatever, show
Shanna: what a dumb decision
me: I'm still going to say it every epsiode, this season still is better than the last one.
but, yeah, they are dumb
Shanna: heh, yeah
i want the next one to require them ALL to run
a lot
and james will fall and get sent home
oooh, candice went with tom too [showing the votes]
me: I would be less annoyed if ONE of them were shown saying "yeah, okay, James is not an asset now, but he will likely not heal in the next day so we can vote him out, and at least he will not be a threat for individual challenges later if he is still broken"
Candice has to play nice with the majority
Shanna: yeah
sad though

[Next time…]
me: next time is in two weeks and a wednesday? why?
basketball maybe?
Shanna: i think this happens every spring season
me: next time... Boston Rob goes after stupid Russell
Shanna: yeah
hopefully next time will be all about villians, just so we don't have to see the heroes as much
me: I am mad that Russell is still in the game. I want that delusional gnome gone.
Shanna: heh
these people don't know how ridiculous he was last season, or else he would be
me: yeah
I think that the beginnings are always very villain-heavy lately, but because the heroes suck so much we have to watch them for the rest of the episode figuring out how to vote. boo.
Shanna: yeah
[and then I go on to talk about how many gallons of blood I've cumulatively donated. I feel like the end of our chat transcripts are very anti-climactic. Sorry about that!]

If the "Heroes" didn't take themselves so damn seriously, maybe they'd be a little more bearable to watch.

Also, two of my favorite bloggers, Sarah Bunting and Linda Holmes, talk about the problems with this season of Survivor (and other reality shows) over at Tomato Nation.

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